Der Clown

„Und mit Tränen in den Augen malte er sich ein Lächeln ins Gesicht.“

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James Arthur – Impossible

The worst thing about it is, that the most mistakes were made by myself, because I though it is possible. But then I reached the point, where I could see, that it is not.
I was blind and now it’s so hard to see, that there was never a chance to all of it. But I will not do the same mistake again and he will never have the chance to hurt me again. Because now I know that it is impossible. Even if he trys, he’s done with embarrassing me. I’m done with running after him. He hurt me so much and I still gave him a chance after a chance. I don’t know why. I was so full of hope that I couldn’t see the senseless in my doing.
But now I see and it’s so hard because I still love him. But love is not enough. It was never enough, because he never cared for my love, he never cared at all and that’s the hardest thing about it. The he never cared as much as I did. He never felt that much as I did. He never loved me the way I loved him. I think he never loved me at all. He never had feelings for me. I don’t know what there was, if there even was anything. I can’t see some glimpse of feelings he eventually had for me. It’s hard but it is the truth. It hurts to live with that knowing but I have to. And I have to remind myself that he always brought trouble and that he never even cared for me a bit to survive to feeling of just running to him again. But I deserve better than that. I know I deserve better and even if my heart is still so full of love, I will not run back to him, because he do not deserve me a bit.
It’s hard but it is the only way that is still possible. Every other way is too hard to take. It’s impossible. It’s sad but it is the truth. I lost my love to the impossibility of life’s ways.

no title

I would like to get it out if my head. It’s just too much to bare with. I don’t want to think about it anymore but my thoughts are going round and round. I can’t believe I’m stuck in the same feeling over and over again. It’s so simple that I hate it. It’s so sticky I can’t get rid of it. It feels like honey in my head. And the bees are summing right next to it telling me that I only can lose.
I promised myself to never get lost in this feeling and now I’m at the same spot than before. I can’t move. I want to run. I want to get away from it but how when it’s always right behind me?
I thought it will get better when I’m here but now it only gets worse.

*wattebällchen werf*

He is not talking to me, in no kind of way. That’s so depressing. I don’t want him to be gently or in a freaky kind of way in love. I just want him to talk to me. But he ignores me totally and I hate that. It drives me mad because it makes me realize that I lost him. In every kind of way. I don’t know if that is good or not. I may know that it’s better for him. Maybe he just did that because he don’t want to get hurt. That can be. Maybe with every word I spoke I’m going to hurt him. But for me it’s like I’m losing a very important person and I know that I can’t fix that again. It can be that I already lost him. I’m not hundred percent sure of that but it’s like a shadow in my heart wispering to me, that it’s the truht. I want to fight but all fight is not worth if somebody’s going to die because of that. So I locked my feelings of losing some imprortant person away. Might be better.

Frei sein

Ich wollte frei sein
und sorglos durch das Leben gehen
ich wollte frei sein
und ohne Schmerz die Zeit bestehn

und nun bin ich aufgewacht
und hab wieder mal gedacht
das nichts draus wird
das alles untergeht
wenn man zu sehr hofft
dass das Rad der Zeit für einen Moment stoppt

Ich wollte frei sein
und sorglos durch das Leben gehen
ich wollte frei sein
konnt nicht dem Lauf der Zeit entgehn

und nun steh ich wieder hier
mit dem Schlüssel ohne Tür
hab so fest daran geglaubt
das die Welt sich diesmal freut
wenn es einmal funktioniert
doch das stand nur auf Papier

Ich wollte frei sein
und sorglos durch das Leben gehen
ich wollte frei sein
hab die Scherben wieder nicht gesehn

und jetzt ist es wieder vorbei
und es ist doch einerlei
das ich geglaubt hab es könnt gehen
ich wünschte ich könnte verstehn
warum es wieder auseinanderbricht
und der Schmerz mir durch die Adern sticht

Ich wollte frei sein
und sorglos durch das Leben gehen
ich wollte frei sein
doch Wahrheit lässt das alles untergehn
denn dieser Traum kann wieder nicht bestehn